Written by Kent Pete
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Topics: God, Jose Mourinho

Saturday, 22 September 2007

image for Mourinho : He truly is the Son of God
Jose : Floating above the Chilterns yesterday.

By deciding to 'celebrate' his semi retirement by floating across the length and breadth of Britain in what he is cheekily calling, 'my own last supper', Portuguese sex symbol, Jose Mourinho has finally announced what many of us have suspected for some time, he truly is The Son of God.

Coming down briefly to use a urinal just outside Derby Coach station, the 'Special One' told our reporter:

"Of course I have known for a while. The problem I had was keeping it a secret from the Chelsea squad. I spoke to my wife about it and she said that it might adversely effect team moral if they thought that not only were they playing for their place in the first eleven but were also potentially playing for a place in heaven. She thought players such as Joe Cole and Shaun Wright-Phillips wouldn't be able to take it all in. To be honest a few of them had problems understanding a basic 4-2-2 formation. Christ knows how they would have coped with talk of the after life."

However recent events have allowed the Portuguese boss to finally come clean about the true nature of his existence.

"It was during my second home match at Stamford Bridge against Aston Villa that I realised I was in fact the Son of God. I can't go into too much detail but suffice to say the proof was unequivocal. I now plan to float up and down Britain to say my final farewell to an England that has taken me so close to it's heart."

However the revelations are bound to have ramifications that could rock the very foundations the football in this country.

Talking from his Cheshire home, the Manchester United manager Alex Ferguson told our sports reporter Peter Musgrove:

"If this is indeed true I will be asking the Football League to hold an enquiry into the validity of Chelsea's two Premiership titles. If, for example you can simply ask the Lord God almighty for assistance when you find yourself 1-0 down at half time, we are not competing on a level playing field are we. Chelsea should be stripped of their titles if this proves to be the case. "

Pug ugly Portsmouth manager Harry Redknapp added to the debate.

"This don't come as no surprise mate. He used to look at yer funny, know what I mean. Good luck to him I say. I always thought that if you could get the Big Man on your side it would be worth at least 20 goals a season. Unfortunately I got Dave Nugent!"

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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