Jose Mourinho has broken his silence for the first time since leaving Chelsea by 'mutual consent'.
In a charged phone call to The Spoof office, Mourinho, currently secretly hiding in the Bull pub, Westhampton-by-the-Green, revealed that Abramovich was intent on World Domination and would not stop his insane plans until he owned every square inch of the Earth's surface and was worshipped like some giant Inca god by the whole of humanity.
"Anyone that lets him down suffers a horrible fate." Said Mourinho. "There is a shark tank underneath the hospitality suite of the executive box and many failed members of his inner circle have found themselves taking an early bath in it. Rumour has it that a ball boy who was too quick to give Liverpool the ball for a goal kick now forms one of the foundations for the Emirates stadium. Abramovich is like that. He thinks the irony of it is a bit of a laugh."
At this point in time we are unsure what part Chelsea Football Club has to play in his diabolical plans for conquering the world but evidence is that it is quite important to his scheme.
"Losing 10 games in 3 years was bad enough but when he found out that Chelsea were not even competing in the Rugby World Cup, he went spare like some sort of maniacal gorilla. I tried to explain that Chelsea were a club football team and as such did not qualify to compete in a competition primarily for the national representative sides of rugby playing nations but it just didn't wash with him. He intimated that I would be Shevchenko'd, his term for enemies who get on the wrong side of his hired muscle. And then I knew it was time to move on."
We tracked down Roman Abramovich, the multi-billionaire cabbage farmer owner of Chelsea to his secret ocean lair, currently moored in Monte Carlo harbour to put Mourinho's claims to him. When we contacted his office a woman who claimed to be Abramovich's PA informed us that "We could not speak to Abramovich as we did not have an appointment," But worryingly added "That she would be happy to find a slot in his diary for us."
Nervously we declined her offer, fearing for our Ballacks.