The New England Patriots apologized for spying on the signal calling against the New York Jets in a recent NFL game. Head coach Bill Belicheck said that it was an unprofessional and unsportsmanlike conduct and that he would not do it again. The Patriots used video cameras to examine and interpret the plays signalled in by the Jets sideline coaches.
The NFL offices also demanded that the Patriots dissolve their Office of the Intelligence Directorate located in their Foxboro stadium. They are also requested to drop their lease on the 31 spy satellites that they have placed in geosyncronous orbit over all of the other NFL team practice fields, their code breaker section, and their spy network (along with their "license to kill"). The Patriots have also agreed to remove the sound dishes mounted on the stadium roof that monitor the opposing teams huddles and the listening devices that intercept helmet mike signals between team captains and coaches.
NFL team relations chairman Bob Todd grew suspicious when he discovered that all members of the New England practice squad had jersey numbers that started with "00." Those players will turn in their Walther PPK's and Aston Martins to the league and return their rented tuxes. They will also stop using the phrase "shaken, not stirred" and begin taking steroids and drinking too much beer like the rest of the NFL players.