Written by Tess Tickles
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Thursday, 6 September 2007

image for Heskey: "What The F**k Am I Doing In The England Squad?"
Owen Hargreaves' dad, allegedly.

Wigan 'star' Emile Heskey has launched a blistering attack on England manager Steve McClaren, questioning the ex-Boro man's squad selection and calling for him to be sacked just days ahead of crucial Euro 2008 qualifiers.

Heskey, who has scored one goal this season, equalling a career high for the big man, was speaking at a press conference yesterday:

"Geez almighty, what is this ginger twat up to? He just doesn't have a fucking clue, does he? What the fuck am I doing in the England squad? Hasn't he learned anything? I am absolute garbage and have performed dismally for England in the past and will continue to do so; if this is the quality of striker our country have to call upon then I'm sorry but we are royally fucking screwed. Heskey? Why not call back Michael Ricketts or Francis fucking Jeffers? Anyone but me! Bring back Graham Taylor! McClaren out!"

McClaren, when reached for comment, wasn't too concerned about Heskey's outburst:

"Obviously Emile's disappointed that he's being named in the England squad, but we're all disappointed-the whole country's disappointed; but Emile needs to serve his country in these next two games no matter how tortuous and painful it will be for all of us."

McClaren's squad has been depleted by injuries in recent weeks and he has been given another blow by the news of Steven Gerrard's withdrawal:

"Once Stevie heard about Heskey's comeback he said he was fucking off back to Liverpool to play for a team who don't have a complete tool for a centre forward. We're just going to have to cope without him".

Training was subdued to say the least today, with McClaren having to implement a new training regime to accommodate Heskey; namely drills of hitting a cow's backside with a banjo:

"We picked up the cow from Owen (Hargreaves), whose father owns a dairy farm somewhere in the forgotten hills of Canada, where he likes to molest moose and talk to his dead mother-he's a crazy, old man. The banjo we got from Rio (Ferdinand), who likes to play while the rest of us sit around the campfire and sing 'kum ba ah m'lord, kum ba ah'. We're hoping these drills are going to improve Heskey to the point where he just won't embarrass us in front of the watching Israeli audience", explained McClaren, who also admitted that he hadn't ruled out giving the cow a game against the Russians as 'it'd been impressive in training.'

Meanwhile, Israel and Russia have been boosted by Heskey's return, with managers of both countries expected now to give their defenders a day off when they come to Wembley. Russian boss Guus Hiddink was especially confident:

"Heskey? Hahahahahahahahahahahahahaha...no, seriously Heskey? Hahahahahahahahahah..stop it...you guys are killing me...hahahahahahahahahaha...Heskey...hahah."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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