England manager Steve McClaren hit rock bottom today when, faced with various injury crises, he called up none other than two ex-TV advertising stars, the Everton defender Joleon Lescott and much-travelled Wigan striker Emile Heskey.
Lescott scored the winner on Saturday at Bolton, whilst Heskey, who has already failed on numerous occasions at international level, has been 'putting himself about a bit'. Both have ridiculous names, and are the latest in a long line of questionable call-ups from the increasingly-under-pressure ginger-haired baffoon McClaren.
Lescott has an enormous forehead, and used to work for the Tefal company in its TV adverts. His cranium is so large, that he can show films on it. The deformity is said to have been the result of a terrible childhood accident at a car-crunching scrapyard.
Heskey, meanwhile, is the original Honey Monster from the Sugar Puffs TV advert, and with his broad frame and no-neck, will be more than a handful for most emerging football nations. He is originally from, yes, you guessed it, Birmingham.
The England boss has made some strange selection decisions in the past few weeks, with David James and Sol Campbell resurrecting their long-dead international careers, alongside Nicky Shorey of Reading, and Middlesbrough's Stuart Downing, who only has one leg.
McClaren told fans on the England website:
"All these players deserve a chance, regardless of their deformities, their lack of ability or their various stupid names."