Written by Kent Pete
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Topics: Jose Mourinho

Tuesday, 28 August 2007

image for 'I'm just too good looking' claims Mourinho.
The ladies, they just can't resist him.

In a statement due to be published in a national newspaper this weekend, maverick Chelsea manager Jose Mourinho has admitted for the first time that he may be forced out of the game he loves within the next 12 months.

The startling confession is likely to send shivers down the spine's of the Chelsea supporters who have seen the Portugese Adonis take their team from virtual pub side to Premiership Champions within the space of three short seasons.

In a frank interview Mourinho told Sunday Times Sports correspondent John Goodbody: "If I'm honest I am not enjoying my time in England. The trouble is I believe, I am just too good looking for the British game. Wherever I go I am mobbed by men and women alike and asked to perform sexual acts that quite frankly I wouldn't consider performing on my wife

"Let us be truthful here, football fans in this country have had to put up with real mingers in charge of their football teams....Sammy Lee for fuck's sake, he wouldn't be allowed near a camera in Portugal, let alone be permitted to speak on National TV. At Porto it was OK, I didn't stand out too much but here I'm a Rose amongst many thorns and the pressure has become too great....Martin Jol....Come on, Shrek or what?!"

This is not the first time Mourinho's looks have caused a problem. Whilst coach at Barcelona the then Catalan Manager Louis van Gaal would insist on Jose wearing a bag over his head at press conferences for fear that he would excite journalists to such a point that serious dialogue would be impossible. Two female reporters famously committed suicide after inadvertently seeing the 'Special One' in the club shower. If they couldn't have him what was the point they concluded.

The news will no doubt have far reaching consequences. Already government minister's are asking themselves why the British are so plain in comparison to their European counterparts.

"First we had Ginola, then Zola and now Mourinho. Will we never produce good looking people in this country." said Graham Allen, MP for Nottingham North

When our reporter mentioned Dave Beckham Allen replied: "Oh yes, there is him I suppose"

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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