WIM-BALL-DONE (Defecated News) Tennis Ace-Superstar Megatalented-Grimlooking-Bloke-Who-Never-Won-Much-Really Tim Henman has announce his retirement from the sport he nearly excelled in. The shock announcement at what many have dubbed the 'peak of his career', will leave sad twats at Wimbledon who sit on Loser's Hill with nowt to do.
The glorious career of Henman started when his dad bought him a plastic tennis set for his 12th birthday.
"I recall playing with the tennis bat thing, and thinking I could really do well in the sport. So dad whipped my arse till it was raw and I got better and better", recalls Henman fondly.
"I'd practice every day trying to be like the greats. Borg, Connors, I wanted to be as good as them all. Shame I was ultimately just average at best.", he added.
After the press conference, Henman stood around looking serious and as if someone had died, then started clenching his fist, looking angry for no reason at all.
"I always loved fisting during a tennis game. I'll miss that, will try to find time to fist with my mates now. Just have to try to find some first, I guess."