Wembley Stadium - (Ass Mess): England football coach Steve McLaren has hired a sports hypnotist in the wake of the side s 1-2 drubbing to Germany yesterday.
Jamil Qureshi, who also entrances Bolton Wanderers players, is rumored to have been Tim Henman's official psychological coach for many years once sat on a government advisory panel that came up with the Weapons of Mass Destruction wheeze as a ruse to invade Iraq in 2003.
Qureshi is a former pupil of Uri Geller who famously uses his phenomenal mental abilities to will winning goals into the next for a variety of football clubs including several now in receivership.
Qureshi's other clients are rumored to include Lord Browne, the ex-CEO of oil giant BP who asked for professional coaching ahead of a High Court law suit where his testimony was vital to national security.
A subsequent House of Lords appeal found Browne guilty of perjury, witness intimidation and suborning of police officers after Appeal judges said he was probably the biggest liar ever spawned by the global hydrocarbons industry.
At that time, Lord Browne explained that Mr Qureshi used a number of programmes known as "mind shaping" on his clients.
Meanwhile at the England Club HQ today the club's sports science expert Dr Richard Freedman, told reporters:
"This concept is new to football but has been used in government and in judicial proceedings for decades."
But England official supporters club spokesman Dave Pissedasafart said today: "F***ing blooex is what I say.
"Hypnotise this lot to sleepwalk their way to a 5-0 victory? Next time we're cheering for the Scots."