Tennis player Tim Henman, world number 94 and sinking faster than Leeds United, is expected to announce his paternal allegiance to youngster Andy Murray this Thursday in a press conference which will be attended by an excited hamster and the hamster's no less excited owner, Sue Barker.
The Brit, who has chronic back problems, exacerbated by his chronic losing problems, will explain his own 'Boris Becker broom cupboard' moment at the age of 12 with a mysterious Scottish lady, who may have been J.K. Rowling, although insiders say that his theory that Harry Potter was based on him isn't held with any degree of certainty.
One friend says the revelations have already taken a toll on his marriage:
"Tim's in a bad place right now; his career is a failure, he's been thrown out of the house and is sleeping in Pete Doherty's car, while his precious son Andy doesn't want to even look at him."
Indeed, Andy Murray wasn't available for comment yesterday, but his considerably less talented brother, or half brother, or not his brother at all, as the case may be, Jamie, spoke exclusively to The Spoof:
"Andy's traumatised. He needs to get his head straight right now. He can't figure out how he can be such a talented tennis player but have Tim Henman as a father. I must admit myself, that's it's quite baffling", said Jamie, with surprisingly no hint of a Scottish accent.
Henman is said to want to confess now so that he can ease his conscience and focus on losing in the first round of the US Open.
Some cynics however, suggest, perhaps with more optimism than reason, that the whole scenario makes no sense and is a sinister ploy by Henman to wreck Murray's career, which most feel will inevitably eclipse Henman's own. Something which Greg Rusedski, who never stops grinning due to a medical condition, doesn't agree with:
"It makes absolute sense that a J.K. Rowling and Tim Henman tryst would produce a great Scottish tennis player. Clearly, Judy and Jamie Murray, as well as Andy's current dad whatshisname are some sort of alien impostors and need to be locked away in an Afghanistan cave with Osama Bin Laden", said Rusedski, who strongly denied allegations that he was in on the plot with Henman.
Henman is also expected to announce that he won't be retiring and that he needs somewhere to crash while he gets things sorted out with his wife, since Pete Doherty is reported to have told him to 'sort yerself out, you're an embarrassment to Britain!"