Written by Princess Consuela
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Tuesday, 21 August 2007

image for United team suffer third-degree burns as Alex mobilizes industrial strength hairdryer

Manchester United manager Alex Ferguson has sent shock waves through the premier league, admitting he hadn't realized the season had started, fumbling through a press conference answering "Training? What training?"

Between getting his hairdryer fixed and a couple rounds of golf, Ferguson spoke exclusively, rather EXCLUSIVELY to The Spoof (and several other publications including Playboy and Hustler, we suspect he likes the pictures.) Trying to come to terms with United's poor opening performances, Ferguson revealed he still hadn't taken much of the bubble wrap off his first team players.

He then went on to detail the affect of the saga surrounding Carlos Tevez, likening the quick Argentine to a circus act. "Yoo nor, its gotta be tough for the young lad. Lookin' the waaay he duz. I mean, he's no Cristiano and the girls on the team are quick to point it ooout but in ma opinion he definitely is sumthin speshal."

Asked whether he was now going to revive Manchester's season wining performances, Ferguson quipped "Oh yeah, definitely. Right after I get my hunting license. There's a little Portuguese chihuahua I've been wanting to shoooot for a while now, little son of a bitch, oh you get it? Bitch! My God I'm funn-eh!"

Before finishing his third bottle of red, Ferguson did manage to shed light on his forthcoming game plan, revealing "I'm gonna get back to ma old ways. The days when you could smack a player upside his head were always ma favourite."

One journo is alleged to be going ahead with charges against Ferguson after one of its best journalists suffered a serious brain haemorrhage under suspicious circumstances. Such allegations came after it was revealed he had not laughed at any of Alex Ferguson's jokes during an interview. Doctors knew the injury was the handy work of the United manager when the victim arrived with most of a left football boot through his head.

The reporter is recovering in a Manchester hospital ward which is beginning to look more and more like the club's headquarters. Patients include Gabriel Heinze (handcuff and prisoner-like chain cuts), Cristiano Ronaldo (broken nail), Wayne Rooney (feeling paranoid, everyone is out to "get him") and Gary Neville (retina damage due to Rio's giant shiny head).

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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