New York, NY - In a last ditch effort to help Andy Roddick improve his game, Jimmy Connors was today shrunk to microscopic size and implanted in Andy's head. He will spend most of his time in the lens of Roddick's right eye, with a wireless microphone connected to a hearing device in Andy's right ear.
Connors was interviewed after Roddick's first practice following the operation. The first question was of course whether or not Roddick could actually play an official match with Connor's presence, without illegal "coaching", which of course is against the rules in tennis.
"Oh come on, look at Roger Federer and tell me he doesn't have a coach implanted in him!" scoffed Connors, "He hasn't had a regular coach in years, I mean Tony Roche just picked up balls for him. He was just there to keep up appearances."
When asked who Federer has implanted in him, Connors has this to say, "Ivan Lendl, when was the last time you saw him? Anyway, this is only a temporary arrangement, I have too many committments to keep to stay in here long, I'll be back out before the U.S Open starts, honest. This has been a good opportunity for Andy to really understand what I'm saying to him. When I tell him to move his "ass to the net", "quit pouting", "nail that god damned second serve!", he can hopefully get a better understanding of what I mean. I mean I thought I was being pretty clear, but after that loss to Ferrer, something had to be done."
Andy Roddick will continue to work out with the new arrangement for the next few days. Meanwhile ATP Officials upon hearing Connor's allegations have asked Roger Federer to undergo a complete physical examination to determine if he too has an implanted coach.