Written by Monkey Woods
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Thursday, 16 August 2007

image for Chelsea To Be Crowned Champions On Sunday
Frank Lampard

Chelsea, last season's Premier League runners-up, will be crowned champions on Sunday if they beat Liverpool at Anfield, and Manchester United fail to beat their arch rivals, city neighbours, the dour Manchester City.

The new season is only one week old, but the high-flying Blues are already four points clear of United, who have yet to win after last night's 1-1 draw at Portsmouth.

The game ended badly for United when their Portuguese 'fairy' Crustiano Retardo was sent off for trying to kiss Portsmouth's Richard Hughes, an act the Reds' manager Sir Alice Ferguson called "baffling".

"I've told him, I don't know how many times, to keep himself to himself," said Ferguson, adding "nobody likes a puff."

Chelsea's unassailable four-point lead at the top is hampered only by Everton and Sven Goran Eriksson's new venture, the Sky Blues, both of whom will inevitably 'fall away' once the other teams wake up, and the Stamford Bridge club are favourites to clinch the Premiership title for the third time in four years.

United, meanwhile, have almost certainly thrown away the chance of retaining their title with two poor performances, and have now lost Retardo for three games as well as Wayne Rooney, who is proving "rather too brittle".

Blues' manager Jose Moaninho was cautious after last night's 2-1 exciting win at Reading, saying:

"That's it, we've done it!"

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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