Turmoil has engulfed the Chelsea squad as reports surface that midfielder Frank "I'm not fat, I'm just big-boned" Lampard has eaten teammate Arjen Robben. Suspicions were raised when Robben didn't arrive as usual for the team's scheduled spa/training session.
Mourinho, who regularly joins the team for weekly manicures and pedicures was said to be unfazed by the disappearance of his winger, arguing he could fill Robben's position on the bench should the footballer not return. When questioned whether he could actually handle on-field time Mourinho remarked, "I can, because I am great. If I was not great I would not be able to. But fear not, I am great. I will relish the chance to kick that ponce Ronaldo in the b******s should he have any."
Teammates John Terry and Joe Cole later conceded that they should've guessed something untoward had happened to Robben revealing they didn't take Lampard's threats seriously. It has been said that Frank issued several warnings to the winger, threatening him that if he didn't resolve the speculation surrounding a supposed transfer to Real Madrid that he would "turn him into Shepherd's pie"
In the days since an official probe has been launched into the backside of Chelsea Football Club regarding the missing footballer, spies have reported witnessing Lampard proudly singing along to Missy Elliot's rap song "Pass That Dutch" to and from training grounds. Such allegations have only added to the suspicion and weight surrounding the tubby midfielder, almost guaranteeing intervention by the London police, the FA or at least someone from the Jenny Craig crew.