Looney Labour Leader and newly promoted UK President Gordon Brown will not intervene in the ownership of football clubs despite fresh concerns over new Southampton owner Osama Bin Laden.
He told The Spoof: "It has to be the football authorities that decide because they set the rules," adding "in any case who cares who owns some tin-pot shitty outfit like Scumhampton."
Leading human rights organisations Human Rights Watch and Amnesty International expressed grave concerns about the new owner in a Spoof investigation, but eventually conceded that they too "couldn't give a shit about the scummers."
Southampton FC have stood firmly by bin Laden, who completed a £4.20 takeover of the club in July.
However, the Premier League says that "Southampton would have broken one of its golden rules, and would not be promoted at the end of the season, even if they managed to fiddle enough points."
When asked to elaborate on the golden rule, the spokesman said "Rule 7 states clearly that the Scummers will never be allowed back in the Premier League."