HEAVEN (Heewack News Network) -- God has delivered an ultimatum to former San Francisco 49ers Coach Bill Walsh, who died on Monday: He can coach Heaven's team using a single-wing offense, or he can go straight to hell.
"I've never been a fan of the West Coast offense," said God, referring to the innovative offensive scheme developed by Walsh as a coach. "Football was meant to have a balance of passing and running--something that the West Coast offense fails to appreciate."
Walsh, 75, died Monday of leukemia. He was a longtime coach of the 49ers and led the team to three Super Bowl wins. The West Coast offense is credited with helping develop a slew of top-ranked quarterbacks, including Joe Montana and Steve Young.
God's football team, the Archangels, have won the past 109 All-Universe championships. Last season, the Archangels once again defeated Satan's team, the Gridiron Golems, by a score of 517-0.
"I'm 'old school,'" God said. "We've built our success on single-wing. We don't use 'wide receivers'--we use 'ends.' We don't use 'running backs'-- we use 'halfback,' 'fullback,' and 'flanker.' None of this newfangled play-action crap."
Walsh, who is being buried later this week, was not immediately available for comment.