Written by Maximus
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Topics: Baseball, Signs

Tuesday, 24 February 2004

In response to the raunchy Superbowl half-time display, the FCC has decided to run a tighter ship. Baseball is the most recent victim of this frenzied censorship, in that baseball signs have been banned altogether. Said FCC spokeswoman Patty O'Furniture:

"We can't allow anymore sexual gestures or prurient acts on the public airwaves. It was decided long ago that stuff like that would not be for free."

Bud Selig held a committee to discuss possible statements to be released by the league and will adjourn to a final closed meeting next Thursday; a statement is expected then.

But was all of this really necessary? Is a crotch grab really that bad? Who really cares about stray fingers entering the aperture of a random cavity? Many believe pruriency is in the eye of the beholder. For example, a seventy year-old man would think of the old crotch grab as nothing but a necessary adjustment whereas a fourteen year-old boy would giggle and point, possibly gafaw.

The league is expected to issue a new rule against crotch-grabs to be enforced in the upcoming 2004 season. Major leaguers all around disagree with this action. Jim Thome, notorious for his blatant display of crotch adjustments, has considered retirement. The player's union will expectedly take action soon. On a good note, FUBU has pursued a contract to make new baseball pants that would eliminate the need for players to adjust. Designs for these new slacks may be a hindrance on the basepath, but it will help to clean up baseball a bit.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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