The Philadelphia Phillies, the losingest team in all professional sports, has set a new benchmark for utility. They lost their 10,000th baseball game, becoming the first team to ever reach that mark of futility.
Instead of screaming their usual "you suck" at the team, local fans actually cheered on their own players in their final at bat to strike out. "Sure," said Vinnie Marconi, "we was cheering for them to lose. I had a fiver riding on the Cards to win this one."
Investigations into sports book makers in the city, and in nearby Atlantic City, revealed that Philadelphia residents have long bet against their team. "Yeah," continued Marconi, "we get rich when they blow it. So what! You wanna make sumthin of it?"
Philadelphia, known as the City of Brotherly Love, is most famous in the sporting world for their throwing snowballs at a man dressed as Santa at an Eagles NFL football game.
While the Phillies are the first team to reach 10,000 losses, others will soon follow. Said a representative from the club who refused to be identified "I expect that the L.A. Clippers in the NBA will be here soon. They had a decent year this year, but are usually good for a losing record. Even though they only play an 11 or 12 game season, college football teams like UTEP, Duke, and Temple ought to be joining us soon. From the NFL, I like the odds of the Arizona Cardinals, regardless of who their coach is. Hockey and soccer? Who really cares?"
"Hey, at least we do have one World Series win. Can teams like the Astros or the Rangers say that?"