Wimbledon - (Ass Mess): The Lawn Tennis Association has warned tennis ace Maria Sharapova that her unbridled on-court grunting, shrieking and panting is excessive after TV viewers complained that she is making more noise than porno movie actresses feigning orgasm.
Sharapova recently told the press that her coach has encouraged her spontaneous expressions of exertion which were purely sporting in character and unrelated any sound she might or might not make during moments of heightened sexual pleasure.
"Anyway," she pouted at TV reporters today, "I am passionate woman on court or in bed.
"Not my fault if men distracted by my little shrieks of pleasure.
"Sure, you don't hear Andy Roddick screaming out like ejaculating superman each time he smash ace down the baseline.
"We women players different.
"I brought up to verbalise my tennis. Grunting is like war cry. .
"Anyway I not only woman in Wimbledon tournament who likes shrieking when hitting ball.
"But it most unking to say that my match today against Venus Williams sounded like two rabid dykes on sinsemilla.
"Venus grunts in East Coast American. My little noises purely Russian.
"And no Russian male ever daft enough to mix up tennis noise for real passionate climax screaming.
"Maybe English men a bit reserved and never hear a sound in bed when mating?
"More fool them for picking English Rose as sexual partners."
Roger Federer is 25.