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Tuesday, 3 July 2007

SHEFFIELD United will be promoted from their current Championship status, West Ham United will lose their Premiership place too as FA bosses cast them both into mid-division limbo.

The Blades, who were ejected from the top flight on the last day of last season, appealed against a Premier League fine imposed on the Hammers, claiming a points deduction that would have seen the East London outfit demoted in their place would have been the correct penalty.

West Ham bought Carlos Tevez while he was still owned by a 13 strong conglomerate including the Disney Corporation and several trans-national dental companies.

Speaking today after the rerun of the Tevez hearing, Premier League spokesman Walter Wintleybottom said: "The panel has found that West Ham should have suffered a points deduction for their part in the Tevez affair.

"We have now removed the points from them and cast them from the Premiership into a divisionless limbo between the Championship and the top division.

"The Championship, run by the football league has now promoted Sheffield United into the same limbo, where they will battle each other season long, head to head, week after merciless week.

"At the end of the season the winner of the two team league will be promoted to the Premier League, while the loser will remain in limbo - quite frankly, we can't be f****d with them anymore."

The limbo has been specially constructed and is said to resemble the high tech prisons of Superman II, which kept General Zod and his crazy pals in perpetual imprisonment while spinning through space.

The Hammers Blades limbo will float around the United Kingdom, allowing crowds to gather and watch the futile, never ending battle between the two sides.

"I think it's an interesting idea," said former Blades boss Neil Warnock, adding, "but I'm glad I got out when I did."

The news is expected to spark an auction, particularly at the Boleyn Ground where only Teddy Sherringham is believed to be keen on the idea of a never changing prison in which he can be mocked and pilloried by passing fans.

"It'll be just like Big Brother," said Britain's most intelligent footballer.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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