Revealing the worst kept secret in world football, Chelsea this morning announced Andriy Shevchenko would not be returning to Stamford Bridge for the coming season, to be replaced by a shock signing from Asia. The surprising part of the deal is that Shevchenko, a record signing for Chelsea 12 months ago, will move to cash strapped Leeds for the paltry sum of 110 Pounds.
Jose Mourinho said in his press conference this morning 'Shevchenko has not been good for us, but I am sad to see him leave. He made good coffee. But 30 million pounds was too much. For that kind of money we could have launched a cloning program, developed a whole squad of Ruud Gullitt's and Gianfranco Zola's, given them breasts and included self-replicating hair product in their DNA via genetic engineering. Through this sale of Shevchenko to Leeds United for 110 pounds, we are getting a much better return on our investment."
At the same Press conference, Chelsea unveiled their new star signing, whom they are hoping will be far more successful than the wunder-bomb from the Ukraine.
Sonic the Hedgehog from Japanese mega corporation SEGA will join the squad next week, pending a successful physical, ending weeks of speculation about his future.
"We are excited about this transfer", said Mourinho, while setting a pile or Armani suits alight in front of naked homeless people. "Sonic has plenty of pace, he turns very well, and has a good vertical jump. He collects golden rings better than anyone else in England, with the added bonus that he is already blue- all we need to do is tattoo the club badge onto his chest."
Sonic the Hedgehog had a distinguished career with Sega MegaDrive, winning numerous awards and enjoying several successful campaigns against Dr Robotnik. In recent years his form has dropped following a move to rival club Sony Playstation3.
"The transfer fee of 110 pounds," explained Mourinho, "enables us to buy a copy of Sonic the Hedgehog for Playstation3 and get to work with him right away in training."
Chelsea captain John Terry dismissed concerns over Hedgehog's form. "A lot has been said in the media about Sonic on playstation not being as good as he was a few years back. But the fact of the matter is a good player is a good player. Mario is still going strong, as is Luigi. There is no reason why Sonic can't get back to his best here at Chelsea."
Sonic the Hedgehog is expected to debut for Chelsea in a star-studded affair, when the thankfully former English champions face the L.A GalDavidBeckhamaxy.