Written by Monkey Woods
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Friday, 22 June 2007

image for Sheffield United Reinstated To Premier League, Must Change Nickname - Ruling
Sheffield - believe me, you wouldn't want to go there

Sheffield United, the team relegated from the Premier League on the last day of the season in May, are to be reinstated into the top flight, TheSpoof has learned.

Their appeal to a three-man panel ended on Tuesday, and they are to be officailly informed of the result at the end of June, but a leak has confirmed that they will be allowed back into the Premiership provided they agree to change the club's nickname from The Blades.

United have been known as The Blades since their formation in 1673, and the decision, although controversial, is a logical one, in light of the Government's crackdown on crime and the use of knives.

Labour Minister for Knife Crime, John Murder, said recently:

"The incidence of knife crime is worrying. I think it's down to clubs like Sheffield United to act responsibly and change their nickname."

When told about the leak, United chairman Kevin McCabe was furious, and said:

"We've been known as The Blades forever, and we're not going to change our name now just because a few kids have been stabbed to death through the heart. They can't blame it on us. Only a very few of our fans carry knives."

Actor Sean Bean, a lifelong Blade, has been campaigning tirelessly for United's Premier League reinstatement. Bean, who played Richard Sharpe, who loved weaponry, in the ITV drama Sharpe, proudly sports a tattoo on his shoulder that reads '100% Blade', and is unlikely to want to have it removed.

Bean has also played for United, albeit in the fantasy film When Saturday Comes, which was not very good.

Despite all this, The Blades need the cash, and are likely to accept the ruling.

Chairman McCabe went on:

"Seeing as our city neighbours and arch-rivals Sheffield Wednesday are known as The Owls, we might reasonably adopt the new nickname The Pussycats."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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