Written by Monkey Woods
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Wednesday, 13 June 2007

image for Bob Woolmer Death Mystery Solved
Woolmer relaxing at the Lickle Chicken yesterday

Police in Jamaica have finished their investigation into the strange and, thus far, unexplained death of England cricket legend, and, latterly, Pakistan team coach, Bob Woolmer.

The death of Woolmer, who died/was murdered after his charges were humbled by Ireland in the Cricket World Cup, has been the subject of intense speculation and media hype, but finally the matter, like Bob, has been laid to rest. Well, nearly.

Chief Inspector Chaka Demus of the Royal Jamaican Constabulary, said in a statement to the Press:

"Shabba! We are done with our investigayshan, and our conclusion is that the whole caper is inconclusive. Apart from the extensive friction burns around his throat, there is nothing to suggest it was murder. Nobody know what 'appen to Bob!"

Meanwhile, patrons at the Lickle Chicken Bar near to where Woolmer was murdered/not murdered/died naturally, still chat, over a line of cocaine, about the cause of his death. Owner Winston Yardy has even posted a list of his regulars' 'most likely causes of Bob's death' on the wall behind the bar.

With Winston's permission, TheSpoof can now reveal the current ten most likely causes:

1. strangled/strangulated/strangularised/stranglification
2. death
3. toaster in the bath
4. drive-by shooting
5. slipped on a banana skin
6. choking defeat
7. alien intervention
8. stumped
9. lbw
10. run over by milk float

PC Pliers, for the RJC, said:

"All, some or none of these are possible. We just aren't sure, but the case is now closed. Who care what 'appen to a fat, lickle white bwoy?"

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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