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Monday, 11 June 2007

image for Atlanta Falcons Quarterback Michael Vick Admits Staging Bum Fights
The First Rule of Fight Club: "If you talk about Fight Club, no soup for you!"

SURRY, Va. -- Federal law enforcement officials serving a search warrant at Michael Vick's home investigating dog fighting allegations came up empty handed today. State police had assisted investigators from the U.S. Department of Agriculture and the U.S. Attorney's office in executing the warrant, reportedly to look for animal carcasses which would be evidence of a dog fighting ring. Instead they found a shantytown full of homeless men.

"This pretty much clears him of the dog fighting allegations," said Virginia State Police Sgt. D.S. Carr. Vick held a press conference a few hours later where he stated once again that he was not involved with dog fighting, but did confess to occasionally filming bum fights for distribution on the internet. "It's been a hobby of mine for a while now," he claimed. "I prefer to call it running a homeless shelter. Hell, it's not like anybody dies," Vick said. Vick also said that his lawyers have advised him not to discuss the dog fighting investigation further.

NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell expressed his relief that the dog fighting rumors have proved false and vows to "put this all behind us." Commonwealth's Attorney Gerald G. Poindexter said he had issues with the accusations from the beginning. "I mean, come on! Michael is not the kind of guy that fights dogs." Poindexter said he was surprised that federal officials got involved in the first place. "We handled the investigation properly." As for the camp of indigent men, Poindexter dismissed the find. "We should be praising Vick for his charitable work with the homeless," he said.

The U.S. Attorney's office vowed not to relent in their pursuit of a dog fighting conviction for Vick. "Helping the homeless is only a front for other illegal activities, we're sure."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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