Written by Monkey Woods
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Monday, 4 June 2007

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Barry Grant and Terry Sullivan yesterday

Liverpool supporters are the subjects of a damning report by European football's governing body which says they are the worst in Europe. UEFA claims that Reds fans cause more trouble than those of any other club, and have hinted that, should they qualify, the Merseyside club may be banned from European competition next season.

The report shows Liverpool fans' problem areas to be violence, racism, intimidation of opposing fans, abusing officials, the Press, opposing players and Manchester United players, turning up for matches without tickets and shoplifting. It also claims that the Scousers carry more Stanley knives, have the worst haircuts, and regularly come to games dressed in shellsuits, which UEFA's cultured officials said they regarded as "so 1980s".

UEFA spokesman William Galliard said:

"They turn up ticketless, and steal tickets from other fans or out of the hands of innocent children."

Liverpool chief executive, Rick Parry, who has a bubble-cut, accepted the criticisms, but said:

"We're Liverpuhl an' Scousers - what d' yuh people echspecht?"

Terry Sullivan was unavailable for comment.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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