Baseball Commissioner Bud Selig announced today that Major League Baseball will abandon all drug testing and will allow athletes the use of any and all performance enhancing substances.
"The athletes are all doping up behind our backs anyway", Selig said. "There's no way to stop it. Athletes who don't use drugs have to compete against the athletes who do use drugs and the ones who don't use drugs don't stand a chance".
Most Major League players praised the Commissioners decision. "It's no different from eating meat or pastries. Those things are performance enhancers too, ya know", said San Francisco Giants outfielder Barry Bonds. Bonds may break Hank Aaron's home run record this year.
Baltimore Orioles first baseman Rafael Palmeiro is looking forward to rejoining the team after he was caught abusing steroids. "I just wanted to be a great player", Palmeiro said.
Colorado Rockies first baseman Todd Helton expressed relief at Selig's decision. "I just kept denying it but now I can take my meds without losing my job!"
Not all players were enthusiastic about the new ruling. Jeff Weaver of the Detroit Tigers said, "We should all just be the best we can be without the use of drugs".
Weaver has also been described as one of the worst players in the league.
From now on athletes will be allowed the use of such drugs as androstenediol, androstenedione, bolasterone, boldenone, clenbuterol, clostebol, danazol, dehydrochlormethyltestosterone, dehydroepiandrosterone(DHEA), dihydrotestosterone,drostanolone, fluoxymesterone, formebolone, gestrinone, mesterolone, metandienone, metenolone, methandriol, methyltestosteroiie, mibolerone, nandrolone, 19-norandrostenediol, 19-norandrostenedione, norbolethone, norethandrolone, oxandrolone, oxymesterone, oxymetholone, salbutamol, stanozolol, testosterone,trenbolone and Nyquil.
However, random marijuana testing will still continue as marijuana does not noticeably improve performance.