Written by Monkey Woods
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Friday, 1 June 2007

image for Manchester United Star Duncan Edwards' Dudley Pub Is Flattened
You could get anything down at the Duncan Edwards

A pub in Dudley that was renamed in 2001 to honour the memory of one of the town's favourite sons, has finally been demolished, much to the chagrin of locals who have been "up in arms".

The Duncan Edwards pub, a memorial to the Manchester United Busby Babe of the same name - Duncan Edwards - had recently fallen into disrepair and disrepute, and the council decided to flatten it once and for all.

Dudley counsellor Alan Mongoloid, speaking in the town's shoddy entertainment magazine What's On, said:

"The McDonalds has shut, and so has the Post Office. Then the Duncan Edwards pub. It was a bit Wild West. Plus the beer was like piss."

However, many of the town's residents have fond memories of the now-defunct watering hole.

Sally Bendown, 27, of Wren's Nest, said:

"Or used to luv the Duncan Edwards, 'specially the bogs. That's where me eldest choild Dwaine was conceived. E's got two uv iz owen now."

Dwaine, who is 14, said he had never heard of Duncan Edwards, but agreed that the pub was as good a place as any in the town to score crack.

"Or gotta gow all the way t' Merryill these days" he moaned.

Only last month, a huge 120-foot granite monolith of Sam Allardyce, another son of Dudley, was erected in the town's market square alongside the life-sized statue of Duncan Edwards. But although his statue is bigger, Allardyce's reputation in Dudley comes up some way short of that of Edwards.

Dudley-based Manchester United fan, Barry Burberry, 43, told TheSpoof:

"The Duncan Edwards was a fine establishment. You could get anything there, if you know what I mean. It's a shame they've pulled it down. Now all the Chavs and druggies have to hang about on the street corners, along with all the strumpets."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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