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Sunday, 20 May 2007

FRANK 'Lamps' Lampard threw a wet and unpleasantly musty smelling blanket over Chelsea fans celebrations at their historic FA Cup win at the new Wembley Stadium.

Speaking exclusively to The Spoof the England midfielder's agent, Cardinal Oliphant Murphy O'Murphy, revealed that the problems that have dogged his international career were the main spark in a loan move to Barcelona brokered by the player himself.

"Frank's realised that he can't play with himself," Cardinal O'Murphy said.

"He makes the same sort of runs and ends up down blind alleys stifling his creativity - Frank is too similar to Frank it's as simple that."

This won't be news to Steve McClaren who has struggled to accommodate one of the Premiership's most effective players into his plans for the national team. Lampard's loan to Barcelona could be the answer.

"Well," said the England boss, "Frank doesn't play for Barca so that's a start I suppose."

O'Murphy explained the complex new deal: "Frank will loan himself to the Camp Nou, where he isn't a player, so he won't nullify himself, he thinks the extra freedom of not playing at Chelsea will improve his game at Stamford Bridge too."

So is Lamps retiring? "No," said O'Murphy, "That's ridiculous, he's simply not going to play with himself anymore."

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