Written by Monkey Woods
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Wednesday, 16 May 2007

image for Allardyce Sends Out For A Dictionary
Breakfast, dinner and tea on Tyneside!

Sam Allardyce, the former Bolton Wanderers manager, was yesterday unveiled as the new boss at Newcastle United, who have been perennial under-achievers. Big Sam, as he is known, goes to St James Park with a fantastic seven-year record at the Reebok behind him, and is looking forward to the massive challenge the new job presents.

His job may be made more difficult though, as he found out yesterday, due to the 'language barrier'. The Geordie accent is notoriously unintelligible, and Dudley-born Allardyce knows it. During the Press conference at St James Park yesterday, he sent out for a Geordie/English dictionary, so that he could attempt to decipher what the Newcastle officials were saying about him.

"They seemed like they were smiling, so it must be good news!" said Sam, adding "some of the lasses looked a bit rough though!"

Biffa Toon, the man sent to Waterstone's to buy the book, came back empty-handed:

"The didn 'ave one", he said "so I spent the cash on beya!"

Newcastle chairman Freddy Shepherd, who owns lots of stuff, and has loads of money, spoke through a translator and said:

"Why, aye man! Big Sam's just the job. He'll do for a couple o' yurs, then we'll dump 'im like the uthas!"

Glenn Roeder, the man who was brushed aside in favour of Allardyce, said:

"They always told me Magpies liked silverware, but this lot, unlike the flying variety, don't stand a chance!"

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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