Written by Monkey Woods
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Wednesday, 16 May 2007

image for Neil Warnock Sacked - Announces Wedding Plans
Get your best frock ready!

Neil Warnock, the Sheffield United manager has been sacked by the club in the wake of their relegation from the Premiership. The news was announced this morning on the Blades' website, but there was a further shock in store for fans when the gritty Northerner had his own announcement to make - he is to be married to former Wigan pickpocket Paul Jewell.

Warnock has been incensed all season - indeed, ever since he was born - and was in fine ranting form today, bemoaning Sir Alice Ferguson's Manchester United team selection for their game with West Ham, and the whole Carlos Tevez affair. He changed his tone, however, when Mr Jewell, his 'relegation rival', was mentioned. His eyes glazed over as he said:

"Paul and I both understand what it's like to be a failed football manager. We've both seen the ups and downs of the game. Now we've both been sacked - him for thieving, me for failing to keep the Blades in the Premiership - we decided to tie the knot."

The partnership will be the first same-sex marriage in football, and the FA have indicated they will be looking into the matter, although they haven't ruled out sending a gift to the pair.

An FA spokesman said:

"If this is really what they want, who are the FA to stand in the way of two people's happiness? Good Luck to them both."

Mr Jewell was unavailable for comment, having gone into Liverpool to buy a wedding gown.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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