There was excitement in Birmingham at the weekend as the Gay World Cup football tournament almost reached its limp-wristed climax. The finalists, Birmingham Babbastabbers and the Arsenal Arsebandits, gave 90 minutes of huffing and puffing, and then 30 minutes of extra time, but just could not get their balls in the net, and the match finished 0-0.
Arsenal, playing in their change strip of all pink, came closest when Bobby 'Back' Gardner got round the back of the Brummie defence, but his feeble effort was not enough to trouble Aussie goalkeeper Ben Dover, who laughed at it.
Jimmy Fagg of Birmingham split the Arse in two with a superb throughball, but when Colin 'Cocky' Zucker crossed, there wasn't a brown shirt in sight, and another wonderful opportunity went begging. The two teams were impossible to part, and the game went into extra time.
With ten minutes of the extra period remaining, Arsenal's Gaylord Lambchops grazed the crossbar with a stroked lob, and Zucker unleashed a piledriver which was turned effeminately round his post by Dover.
At the finish, the match deteriorated into a disgraceful display of ungentlemanly conduct, with a player from each side - Marcus Bent of the Babbastabbers and Darren Bent of the Arsebandits - receiving straight reds for "inappropriate behaviour" near the tunnel.
The tie will now be replayed next Tuesday behind closed doors. The eventual winners will meet the victors of the Copa Puffa de l'America in what will be a pulsating challenge in Rio de Janeiro later this year.
Arsenal manhandler Arse Wanger, told TheSpoof:
"We will be giving everything we've got. It's up to us. It's our asses on the line."