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Thursday, 3 May 2007

image for Warnock in chip-child near miss

SHEFFIELD United manager Neil 'The Anagram' Warnock and several dozen children were lucky to escape unharmed when one of the chips on the Blades' boss' shoulder became detached during a school visit.

A class visit to the Brammall Lane home of Yorkshire's premier football club was planned as part of an outreach programme by The Arctic Monkey School of Vernacular Spite.

Photographer Evelyn 'Buster' Bailey was expecting little more than a simple assignement for the Sheffield No Nonense, but nearly witnessed a tragedy as the former-chiropodist invited questions from his guests.

Bailey, 16, said: "It was all going great, obviously everyone wanted Neil to shut up, but he's a good family man and very open and honest.

"There was one kid though, I think his dad must be a Wednesday fan, who kept asking Neil why he's 'always moaning about the bloody ref?'.

"Neil just laughed it off at first, but then he started shaking and something just seem to come at the kid from under his suit jacket, near the collar."

Police, fearing at first that the popular manager had become host to an alien of some sort, initially cordoned Warnock off, before tests revealed he posed no further threat.

Scientist Doctor Evander Van Der Evans carried out tests on the chip, which he confirmed could have caused injury.

"It's quite a toxic mixture," Dr Van Der Evans said.

"It's largely Yorkshire grit, but there's also a good deal of pent in there and also, the famous Down To earth."

Down To was once the quite mudlike lifeblood of the Yorkshire economy, although the Plains of Speaking have long since been mined out.

Although no-one was hurt in the incident, several of the children who witnessed it have already written a pithy, biting angry song about the incident, which started to climb the download charts as soon as rumours of the possibility of its existence hit the web.

"Viscious Chip" is forecast to bestride the music industry like a venomous behemoth for hours to come.

But Blades fans needn't worry says Dr Van Der Evans.

He said: "We think the chip may have become unstable when United's Premiership status was seemingly guaranteed at the weekend. It's even possible Neil's body may have rejected it when he learned of the relegation of Leeds United.

"We could replace it but, to be honest, a new one is almost certain to grow back in time for next season.

"However, while we were in doing some exploratory work I was able to do something with his hair - I think both Mrs Warnock and the footballing public will be looking at Mr Neil Warnock in a new light from now on, oh yes."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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