Michael Jordan's divorce settlement will easily bypass Paul McCartney's as the costliest of all times. In addition to large amounts of money, alimony, child support, homes, cars, clothes, and jewelry, the soon to be ex Mrs. Jordan is seeking several other items.
She has declared that she wants custody of Kevin Bacon. The actor currently stars with Michael in a series of Hanes underwear commercials. When asked why she wants the husband of actress Kyra Sedgewick, Jordan said that "honey, somebody gotta keep my bed warm at night and he's a hottie!"
From the Hanes commercial royalties, she is also seeking a percentage on all sales of red, black, blue, and green jockey and boxer shorts. "Michael can keep his royalties from his little tighty whities, I want the coloreds."
Nike and the famous Air Jordans also play a role in the divorce. "I gets all the money from all of the left shoes. Michael can have the rights to the rights, but I want the rights to the lefts."
A group of Michael's friends and their custody are also at stake. "He made Space Jam but has been neglecting those poor little characters. I want to mother the cute ones, like Tweety and Bugs. I also want to make sure that Elmer Fudd and Sylvester and Daffy and Porky Pig get the speech therapy that they need, and Michael is gonna have to pay for it!"
When asked if there was anything else she wanted, she stated that a semi full of Charmin would be nice because "I'm gonna have money coming out the whazoo!"