Written by Monkey Woods
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Friday, 20 April 2007

image for Duncan Fletcher Told "You're Out!"
"He's ate all the pies!"

Duncan Fletcher is to step down from his lofty role as England's cricket coach after their last World Cup match against the West Indies on Saturday.

A poor run of results has contributed to his demise, but Peter Moores, the England Academy director, who will temporarily take over from the South African, told reporters that wasn't the only reason:

"It's his weight, really. He's been eating all the pies."

Fletcher, who has been travelling around the Caribbean by boat because he can't fit into an aeroplane seat, commented yesterday:

"Managing England has put years on me."

There is some truth in this.

When he took the reins in 1999, he was 50 years of age, but after 8 years in the job, bizarrely, he is now already 64.

Fletcher's hopeful long-term replacement, Ian 'Beefy' Botham, turned up at England's training camp this morning with his bat, wearing pads, gloves and a helmet. He wants to take over immediately, but may face opposition due to his own massive 'pie consumption' problems.

The ex-Somerset all-rounder recently vowed to face his addiction and to cut down, but this, in turn, has angered the British Meat Council who say Briain's beef industry would be hit hard.

Their President, Mike Topside, told TheSpoof:

"Botham quitting beef would be a major blow. It would be worse than an outbreak of Mad Cow Disease. Shit, if he stops eating burgers and pies, we've had it!"

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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