Written by Monkey Woods
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Wednesday, 18 April 2007

image for England Push South Africa Hard, Get Hammered
The Umpire raises his finger and England are "all out"

It was a close-run thing against South Africa yesterday, but England are finally out of the Cricket World Cup.

Frankie Vaughan and his men battled manfully, and pushed South Africa hard, but in the end 'false promises' and 'bullshit and bluster' were no match for basic cricketing skill and ability, and it was the Proteas who advanced to the semi-finals.

England started well and claimed their first major victory of the tournament, when they won the toss and elected to bat first, and get it over with quickly.

They crumbled to 154 all out, before most people had even got out of bed, and then watched as the Boers scored at more than 10 runs per over in their run chase (sic) to claim victory by nine wickets.

As a consolation to the struggling England XI, AB de Villiers threw away his wicket after crashing the ball to all parts of the boundary in a sizzling quickfire 42.

Graeme Smith, the SA captain, who smashed the winning runs as he scored 89, appeared in a post-match interview but said nothing. Instead, he laughed uncontrollably until he was led away by giggling team-mates before the winning dressing room was heard to erupt in a cacophony of hysterical hilarity.

England captain Frankie Vaughan said:

"I'm rubbish. I shouldn't even be in the team, let alone be the captain. I've only scored 130 runs in eight innings and that's abysmal. Sack me now."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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