Written by Jalapenoman
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Monday, 16 April 2007

image for Jeff Gordon Wins Texas NASCAR Race, Then Retires
Jeff Gordon is giving up the circles

Jeff Gordon won his second race at the Fort Worth area Texas Motor Speedway, then promptly retired from the sport after receiving his trophy.

Gordon, one of the few drivers on the NASCAR circuit able to sting two perfectly normal sentences together. said that "it's just driving in circles. You just sit in a car and drive in circles for hours. It's boring and you really never go anywhere!"

"I want to go somewhere."

"You drive 500 miles, but you can't stop at a Pilot or Love's for a pee break. You can't stop at Stuckey's for a pecan log. You can't stop and get a meal and let the kids burn off some energy. You can't stop and read an historic marker on the side of the road. Hell, you can't even listen to a good book on tape or tune in any good radio stations!"

"I really, really, really want to go somewhere when I drive and not past the same grandstand 200 or 300 times a day."

"Those other drivers that haven't got enough brains might enjoy driving in circles because it's the only time they know where they're going without having to stop and ask for directions. I'm just not bumble brained stupid any more and need to get a life."

"We've got millions in the bank now, so it's not like I need to drive for work anymore. Maybe I can get a real job and actually drive to work."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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