Written by Monkey Woods
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Friday, 13 April 2007

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Red Rum or Mur Der?

This year's Aintree Grand National on Saturday will herald a victory for Animal Rights activists who have organised a protest against the race.

The protesters will stage a demonstration at the finish, and have it's 6-4 that they may "cross the line ahead of the winner".

With this is mind, bookmakers Coral have made Donald Stupid of the Animal Liberation Organisation, a clear favourite at 8-11, with Claude Shitforbrains of rivals the Animal Protection League, just behind him in the betting at 2-1.

With little or no rain at the Aintree course in the last few weeks, the going is hard, well, quite hard anyway - some people would say "difficult" - and it's a safe bet that horses with four legs will have a distinct advantage.

The race has been called "dangerous" and life-threatening" by those who oppose it, but "exciting" and " a right rollicking day out" by race enthusiasts, who often turn up with picnics.

Organisers say that, as a consolation to the Animal Rights wets, any horse that would normally be shot as a result of injuries sustained in the race, will be humanely put to sleep using relaxing drugs.

It's 3-1 that they will then be chopped up and put in meat pies.

Journalist Scott Brough, writing in the Daily Telegraph, said:

"It's cruel for the horses but what can you do? Pies are better than being shot! That's a dead certainty!"

This year, 440 runners have been declared for the race which is sure to be an exciting one with plenty of refusals, falls, twisted and broken limbs and, of course, the odd horse death.

The winner scoops something hardly worth having, and it's odds-on the jockey will be a Mick not over 2ft 10inches tall.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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