Written by Trevelyan
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Wednesday, 4 April 2007

image for Changes to Indy 500 announced.
Gone will be the traditonal NASCAR racetrack.

Indianapolis Motor Speedway- Fans reacted with mixed emotions today as it was announced that major changes to the Indy 500 will take place just months before the actual race. Some reacted with joy that the sport will undergo changes that will make in more entertaining, while some expressed disappointment that those same changes will create a new sport that has little to nothing in common with NASCAR as we know it now. Both, however, can agree that it does seem to be targeted to appeal to the core group that makes up NASCAR fans, rednecks.

The changes that have sparked such lively debate, especially among fans that are not noted for their oral presentation skills? NASCAR will no longer be a simple around the track race. Now it will incorporate many features straight from the movie, "Mad Max: The Road Warrior". All cars will now be armored; the windows covered in steel mesh, and mount at least one offensive weapon. The driver can choose to mount one additional offensive or defensive weapon.

Nor is that only change. Gone now are the traditional pit stops. Instead, at random times a tanker truck full of "go juice" will make its way onto the track. The drivers will have to disable the truck and get the fuel from its tank into their cars. As for replacing tires and other car parts, at different times steel gates at different points along the track will roll up to reveal fully stocked repair depots. However, before the drivers can use them they will have to first defeat the depot guards who will be heavily armed.

A few things will remain the same. The point of the race is still to be the first to complete 500 laps of the 2.5 mile track. Fans will still be allowed to park in the grassy area in the middle of the track, and as an added bonus they will be able to participate in the race, either helping their favorite driver or hindering his foes.

Newly appointed Speedway President Larry the Cable guy expressed his confidence that these were positive changes, saying, "Well heck, we all know that this here sport is for the rednecks for the most part. And it's plain as dirt on a hog that rednecks watch it fer the crashes. Plus a rednecks second favorite thing is guns, this here combines two of their favorite things in one place, we'll be swamped! Git er done!"

When asked what he was referring to with "Git er done", Larry broke down into tears and sobbed, "I've no idea. I'm not a redneck; I was born into money in New York. My parents are wealthy investment bankers. I only started this whole Cable Guy thing to piss them off. Now I can't stop because people think it's the real me." He then ran off before further questions could be asked.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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