Written by Monkey Woods
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Saturday, 24 March 2007

image for Cristiano Ronaldo Not 100% Gay
As worn by uphill gardeners

Manchester United players and staff have spoken out in support of striker Crustiano Retardo after it was alleged that he was the "gayest footballer in the Premiership".

The allegations were made at every football ground up and down the country every time Retardo stepped out onto the pitch for United, and continue to this day.

Fellow striker Wayne Rooney told a different story though. After 108 "Er's" were edited out of his comments, he said:

"He's not gay. He might look it, but I was in a bar in Manchester when he ordered a drink. This barmaid smiled at him, and he smiled back. It was beautiful. You could tell he wasn't a bender - not 100% bent anyway."

Reds boss Alice Ferguson, speaking through an interpreter, said:

"The lad's definitely not a shirtlifter, although there was that incident in the showers with Ji-sung Park."

But there are those who say that the Portugeezer does have homosexual tendencies.

A former team mate, Holland's Ruuud van Nistelrooooy, who had to leave Old Trafford because of the rampant and uncontrolled gender-bending he said was going on there, claimed he had been "bothered" by Retardo on a number of occasions, and this had led to a personal goal drought.

"He finished me off at United", said the Dutchman.

Carlos Queiroz, who, because he has better English language skills than manager Ferguson, handles all the Match Of The Day post-match interviews, disputed this, saying:

"Ole! Retardo a puff? That's crazy! Mind you, there was that "lewd act" business on the training ground with Louis Saha."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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