Wayne Rooney, it has been revealed today, recovered from his metatarsal injury more quickly than was expected, because he had the toe removed, and replaced by a spare finger he had.
The Scouse turncoat, who, in his Goodison Park days, had pledged his future, loyalty and love to Everton, comes from a long line of mutants, and had six fingers on his left hand. When doctors told the then England team manager Sven Goran Eriksson that Rooney would miss the World Cup in Germany, David Beckham came up with the idea of the revolutionary procedure which, he said, he had once seen in a horror movie.
The operation was carried out, and Rooney went on to get famously sent off against Portugal, with the help of his Manchester United team mate Crustiano Retardo, who is an arsehole.
England team physio Doctor Death joked:
"We were all worried that, if he scored with his right foot, it might be disallowed for handball!"
In the event, Rooney didn't score at all, but did use his feet to good effect when stamping on Ricardo Carvalho's balls.
England will fail to qualify for the Euro 2008 championships if they don't win in Israel tomorrow.