Wayne Rooney and Cristiano Ronaldo have pleaded with fans to stop reading transfer rumours.
"Do you not have anything better to look at?" asked Ronaldo, "For instance, I can spend hours looking at myself in a mirror, you should try it some time... You should spend hours looking at me."
"I just don't understand how people can spend so much time reading these things." Says Rooney. "Find something else to do. Hey, why not get up and kick a ball around?"
The worst thing, according to the Manchester United teammates, is that no one would care if they were in any other line of work.
"If I was an accountant," pondered Ronaldo, who's never had to add anything in his life, "and I got a better job accounting somewhere else everyone would be happy for me. Why can't you just be happy for me? I'm happy for me."
Rooney has once again assured fans that he will be staying with his current employer.
"I'm not going to a foreign country, I can barely speak English."
- Tom Taylor