Written by Monkey Woods
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Monday, 12 March 2007

image for John Terry's Grandad Dead In Gangland Slaying
Mr Church won't be crooning anymore

A huge black cloud of despondency hung over Stamford Bridge at the weekend, when it was announced that the grandfather of Chelsea captain John Terry had been found dead at home.

Daniel Church, the father of Terry's mother Sue, appears to have been the victim of a gangland slaying by gangland slayers at his dirty, stinking flat in Ilford.

Mr Church, who was 154, was a well-known 'crooner' on the club scene. His badly-decomposed body was discovered tied to a chair with a Frank Sinatra CD blaring repeatedly from the stereo at full volume. Police say the cause of death is yet to be confirmed, but early indications are that he was 'crooned' to death.

The person thought to have ordered Church's death, is none other than notorious underworld villain Adams Terry, the dead man's grandson, and John Terry's older brother.

He was jailed for 8 years at the Old Bailey last week, having been found guilty of being "in possession of a lot of money whilst not having a job". Grasses say that he (Adams) wanted Church dead after a 25-year dispute over a Christmas present could not be resolved.

John Terry also hated his grandad, who systematically beat his wife Doreen black and blue, which is somehow appropriate as Chelsea's change kit is black, whilst their home strip is blue.

The Chelsea defender choked back tears as he said:

"I hated grandad. His singing was awful."

Neighbours agreed. Francis Earache, who lived next door, said:

"He was a terrible singer. Fortunately he's dead now."

A Police spokesman told The Spoof:

"We were investigating a claim that he was murdered but, as nobody seemed to like him, we've decided not to bother."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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