Written by Melange
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Wednesday, 7 March 2007

image for Hardaway Conquers Homophobia. Now Battles Hobo Phobia.

Miami, FL - Former NBA legend Tim Hardaway apologized Sunday for his anti-gay remarks, telling a Miami television station, "I didn't mean to say that. Or more accurately - I didn't mean to get caught saying that. How was I to know that 'these people' listen to sports radio? Doesn't Martha Stewart have her own God Damn channel? Now that I've lost my job, my business, and my ability to fund my lifestyle, I know that there is more to life than fearing homos - we should all fear hobos"

Since being banned from the All-Star game, and fired from his role with the Continental Basketball Association, Hardaway reports having recurrent dreams of soup kitchens, cheap ripple, and a grocery cart filled with the tarnished remains of his Olympic gold medal. To bring his fear to light, Hardaway read from a prepared statement:

"Well, you know I hate hobos, so I let it be known. I don't like bums and I don't like to be around homeless people. I am hobo phobic. I don't like it. It shouldn't be in the world or in the United States. So yeah, I don't like it - Hey Mother Fucker! Are you repossessing my Escalade?''

According to psychotherapist, Henry Steingard, "Hardaway's sudden onset hobo phobia reflects years of repressed recognition that throwing a basketball into a steel hoop is not deserving of millions of dollars in salary and endorsement deals." Added Steingard, "There are few other skills that Hardaway exhibits that justify owning a house at all, let alone his penchant for Crystal. Quite frankly, he should have been living at the mission years ago."

Hardaway asserts that he is willing to do whatever it takes to overcome his hobo phobia. "If it means I have to spoon with another dude just to sleep in a nice clean bed with four-hundred thread count, Egyptian-cotton sheets, then so be it. I'll do anything to stop the nightmarish possibility of me having to gather warmth from the steam venting through a back alley manhole cover. And speaking of 'man holes...oh wait...never mind."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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