The World Cup will never again be staged in England if FIFA President Pratt Bleeps has his way.
Speaking at a Press conference in Zurich earlier this week, Swiss-born Bleeps told reporters:
"I hate ze Englischers. Zay killed mein Vater. Zay are unlikely to be allowed to stage ze Vorld Cap Finals in my lifetime!"
Forty-eight nations are vying for the right to host the 2018 World Cup, including Peru, Mozambique, Northern Ireland and Gibraltar, but the Englisch bid will not be considered. This, despite the superb infrastructure already in place and, after Euro '96, a proven ability to stage an International Championship.
Bleeps, 106, whose name is pronounced 'Sepp Blatter' in German, is famous for wearing jodhpurs, and carries a Luger at all times.
Sir Tremor Brookring, the famous West Ham mascot and a failure in England's dismal 1982 World Cup campaign in Spain, was shocked at Bleep's out-of-hand dismissal of England's bid:
"Would you Adam 'n' Eve it? Whosiss Cake fink 'e is? Get 'im on the dog an' arl give 'im a piece o' mawy 'cruel'. DO YOU KNOW WOT AR MEAN!"
Sir David Beckham, the richest man never to do anything, concurred. "Innit", he said.
The English FA met yesterday at its Lancaster Gate headquarters and has decided to appeal against Bleeps' decision.
Spokesman Dennis Goalscrounger said:
"The death of Herr Bleeps' father was an accident. He choked on some sour grapes whilst watching the 1966 Final which England won 4-2."