Cincinnati, OH- Cincinnati Bengals' owner, Mike Brown, has decided to roll with the times by changing the Bengals traditional orange and black striped uniforms to detention-orange jumpsuits with horizontal black bars.Brown described players as behaving like wild beasts both on and off the field. "Living true to their moniker of 'tigers,' these athletes have been tearing up Cincinnati with no understanding of the title 'Pro.' But they sure understand the title, 'Con.".
The decision came shortly after after the arrest of cornerback Johnathan Joseph, who became the ninth Bengal arrested this season. Rumored to be included with the new uniforms are:
- Shoulder pad compartment for a small semi-automatic weapon
- Whizzinator athletic supporter
- Sharpie-turned-switch-blade sock pocket
After introducing the new uniforms, Brown announced two additional changes. "Head Coach [Marvin] Lewis will now be referred to as Warden Lewis. Also, players will no longer wear numerals on their jersey according to position, but instead will be assigned an eight-digit serial number."
Chad Johnson, who now wishes to be referred to as Ocho-Cinco-Tres-Tres-Cinco-Uno-Uno-Dos, expressed excitement at the upcoming season. "We just sentenced Chris [Henry] to a five-to-ten-year contract extension after the second-year receiver possessed nine touchdown receptions, as well a kilogram of marijuana, in the 2006 season. With good behavior, he'll be eligible to negotiate with another team in a couple of year."
"But what are the chances of that?" added Johnson. "I'm pretty sure he's gonna be a lifer."
Unconfirmed reports out of Miami state that Carson Palmer will be traded to the Dolphins in exchange for Marcus Vick, Ricky Williams, and a carton of Newport Menthols. Palmer, who has requested solitary confinement since being gang-raped in the huddle, was unavailable for comment.