Written by Melange
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Thursday, 22 February 2007

image for Amaechi Shouts, "Stop the Press. I'm Not Gay - Just Really, Really Happy"

London - On the eve of his autobiographical release "Man in the Middle," former professional basketball player, John Amaechi called an urgent press conference to make an announcement regarding the allegations made about his homosexuality.

Amaechi explained:

"Somehow, people are under the misguided impression that I am homosexual. However, when I wrote 'I am coming out of the closet a gay man,' I was simply recounting one time when I literally came out of my closet feeling quite happy

"I had just finished trying on something from the new Versace spring collection, and it fit like a glove. Maybe I should have said I was 'jovial', or 'ecstatic', but those are much harder to spell. In any event, I was just very pleased.

"Do you people have any idea how hard it is to find a chenille suit and feather boa when you are 6-foot-10? Geez!"

Amaechi, 36, who is British, played in 301 NBA games as a member of the Cleveland Cavaliers, Orlando Magic, and Utah Jazz, voiced surprise over the controversy surrounding his sexuality. "I spent five years in the NBA going one on one with some of the biggest men in the world. It was my job to drive to the hole, even when they were defending their bucket fiercely. If I couldn't find a way to penetrate them straight up the middle, I'd use my size and strength and back my ass right in to them. But either way, I'd always score. Now what on earth is even remotely homoerotic about that?" added a bewildered Amaechi.

Since retiring from the NBA in 2004, Amaechi returned to England where he reports becoming quite interested in environmentalist causes. "I met some real nice blokes who seem very concerned about the endless billows of factory-smoke polluting our nation's sky. We are forming a Coalition of Rainbows, or something like that - I'm not real sure - maybe I should get some more information. All I really know is that they make a great Appletini.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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