Written by Jalapenoman
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Saturday, 17 February 2007

image for Thousands Protest Latest Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue
Selling swimwear and sandy sports sole purpose of swimsuit issue

The latest edition of the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue is out and is causing the usual ruckus. As has happened many times in the recent past, the magazine forgets all about football, basketball, baseball, hockey, soccer, bowling, tennis, swimming, track and field, lacrosse (well, they never really cared about lacrosse), diving, and the olympics for a week and features nothing but scantily clad women.

Another tradition with the magazine is that many people, who would never otherwise look at or care about it, suddenly demand to cancel their subscriptions (even though most never had one). Mrs. Beulah Johnson of Little Rock, Arkansas was one of those people. Her letter to the Time Warner publication included the following:

"I don't want your Godless trash in my house no more. It is a sinful waste of time and the devil's work to show them skanky women wearing nothing but little bits of cloth and sand making bedroom eyes faces at the camera. My sons and my husband are Christian men and they don't want to look at Tyra Banks or Beyonce' or Kathy Ireland or Molly Sims or any other big breasted, sweaty woman naked. You may want to burn in hell forever, but keep Satan's firewood out of my God fearing home."

Spokesman from the magazine, Will Endowed, said the following in a press conference: "Of course we get our detractors. The shoots, however, are always really hard for me and the girls. A lot of effort goes into making the issue a success. We do face stiff competition from other swimsuit and sports publications, but know that we are number one. Some readers try to give us the shaft, but we know we're really out there for the common men in America; you know, Tom, Dick and Harry. We've made a few boners and other blunders in the past with the issue, but have put that behind us. Not to sound cocky, but we stand erect and firm and tall on this, and we know we've got a strong publication. We drive that home every year to our readers and my staff tries to stay head and shoulders above the rest."

"Now, I'm no boob, and neither is my crew. It is a difficult shoot, out there in the heat. We have to provide jugs of water for the girls to drink because of the hot sun. Sometimes, we'll even slice up some melons for them. I get really upset when people try to torpedo what we are doing. They can just cry in their own pillows at home and keep their problems to themselves."

"I'm not going to put the complainers in a box, but there are they going to be adult about this? Be a man or a mouse! Don't just give us lip service, and don't be a crotchety old man. Don't let some minister pull the wool over your eyes or try to make this into something like one of those PETA fur coat issues. Don't dig yourselves into a hole, but open your eyes and see the truth."

"This annual issue of our magazine is nothing but healthy women trying to sell swimsuits and beach sports and activities, it is not in any way about selling sex. Once again, we are all about sports and not sex."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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