SAN FRANCISCO, CA Embattled San Francisco slugger, Barry Bonds, can no longer dodge allegations of steroid abuse, after reportedly testing positive for Floyd Landis. MLB officials began to investigate last Friday, after photographs surfaced which appeared to expose the shadowy outline of Landis' partially digested head from Bond's bloated belly.
In a joint press conference today held by Giant's GM, Brian Sabean and LabCorp spokesman, John Sorboro, Sebean announced "We are saddened to announce that Mr. Bonds has indeed used Floyd Landis body parts as a way to maintain an unfair competitive edge in our nation's greatest pastime." Sorboro authenticated the results by announcing, "Both gas chromatography and mass-spectrometry confirm high levels of Landis throughout Bond's system...that and the fact that he shit out a Team-Discovery cycling visor that clogged up the LabCorp toilet."
Landis, who rose to prominence after miraculously winning the 2006 Tour de France, has fallen into obscurity after elevated testosterone levels tainted his victory and may have cost him his championship. In order to pay for the mounting legal costs of his appeal, Landis recently began to sell pieces of himself as a performance enhancing nutritional supplement. Though illegal, Yellow-Jersey's, as they are known on the streets, are becoming increasingly popular. Last month, San Diego linebacker Shawne Merriman tested positive for Landis after coughing up the cyclist's lower leg and a Shimano hydraulic disc brake during a team meeting.
Late this morning, Bonds released the following statement: "In an effort to Clear my reputation and Cream this story before it takes flight, I wish to profess my innocence. As an elite and conditioned athlete, I have naturally high levels of Landis. Additionally, while drinking some whiskey and beer with Jose Canseco the other evening, I felt something funny go down my throat. I thought it was a piece of ice, but in retrospect, I could have accidentally swallowed Floyd Landis' head."
Bond's stomach was then heard to gurgle, "There are extraneous circumstances that indicate there's some strange things going on with this test. I was the strongest man at the Tour de France and I will fight these charges with the same determination and intensity that I bring to my training and racing."