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Wednesday, 24 December 2003

Houston, TX: Citing advice from the CIA and the Homeland Security Task Force based on evidence obtained from Saddam's recent capture, the NFL owners have voted unanimously to cancel the Super Bowl. "We were convinced that an attack on Reliant stadium in Houston was immenent and inevitable," said a solemn NFL commisioner Paul Tagliabue.

A diabolical scheme that even rivals that of 911 was uncovered in Hussein's briefcase, along with a recipe for goat-cheese tarts ripped from an August issue of Martha Stewart 'Living' magazine. It appears another form of sleeper cells called "coma cells" have been implanted in the United States since the early 1950s.

Coma cells, placed in the U.S. by the Iraqi government prior to Hussein's coupe in which he gained power and took over Iraq, are families from either Saudi Arabia or Syria who have lived here for several generations. They have been here so long that the original family members have since died off and the newer family members didn't even know why they were here or that they were even terrorists.

"I just thought we were ordinary American immigants," said a sixteen year old girl of Syrian decent whom we shall call Britney. She granted us this exclusive interview from here typical American teenage girl's bedroom adorned with bright colors, fluffy pink bed spread and autographed poster of Keanu Reeves holding a pet mouse in one hand and a paper maché mock-up of an Oscar in the other.

"But to find out that your family is part of a terrorist organization and has to do the bidding of a ruthless dictator is so way a bummer. Like, I might even miss my prom this year, you know. It's like waking up in a bad dream. No wait, does that make sense?"

Members of these coma cells have infiltrated the food service market, especially those which cater to large venues such as stadiums where pro football games are played. And it is this information that forced the NFL to cancel the big game.

"Seeing that Houston resides in the home state of President Bush, it is only logical that killing a few thousand people there would be the appropriate revenge for the ousted dictator," said Donald Rumsfeld. "Ironically, Saddam didn't learn of the coma cells until he was forced to flee for his safety. But once he learned of them he set forth the plan which was initiated almost fifty years ago."

Rumsfeld continued, "That's what makes the plan so brilliant. If even Saddam didn't know about them, how were we supposed to? We're now looking into the possibility of theoretical 'brain-dead cells' in America which would have been placed here sometime around the revolutionary war. It's just a (conspiracy) theory, but well worth looking into."

Rumsfeld then stopped for about thirty minutes to pose for pictures (glasses off) and sign autographs for a swarming group of AARP groupies with his jacket off and shirt unbuttoned exposing his silver/gray hairy Tarzan-like chest.

The attack plan for Reliant Stadium itself involved information that was first revealed here at The Spoof by special investigative reporter Brendan Shumway in his explosive yet controversial article entitled 'Texans Genetically Superior.'

In the report it was revealed that Texas chili itself released a gas which when inhaled mixed with one's blood and increased brain activity. The report also noted that said chili causes one to pass gas in a biological act that scientists call flatulence.

However, the report just skimmed over this bit of information and glossed over, maybe intentionally, the phenomenon stating, "...Obviously, that type of gas has its own medical benefits, but that is beyond the scope of our research."

But it is well known that inhaling this expelled gas, which homies call flaming cornholes, can have negative effects and maybe, in the right mass quantities, cause paralysis then death. And it is this threat that is at the heart of the evil coma cell plot.

Since Shumway's report was posted on The Spoof, Texas chili sales have quadrupled. It is now believed that Texans are consuming the potentially deadly substance at least once a day every day. And some people have gone on an all chili diet in hopes of raising their I.Q. and S.A.T. scores.

The Super Bowl's menu was recently changed to meet this growing demand. All that was going to be served was chili and beer. And maybe pickles.

The plan called for a coma cell food service operative (maybe Britney) to jam the stadium's retractable roof sometime before the game by wedging a John Madden bobble-head doll into the gears thus rendering the overhead doors inoperable. And then BOOM, the doors wouldn't be able to open.

The game would have been forced to be played indoors only. And with all those people (including players, refs, mascots, and cheerleaders) eating chili and passing gas which had nowhere to escape, everyone would have eventually passed out and quickly died.

As if that were not horrific enough, stage two of the plan was to be even more deadly. At halftime, when Michael Jackson (posing as his kid sister Janet) was to come out and perform to a dead audience, the pyrotechnic finale extravaganza would have ignited the gas thus creating a bomb of Biblical proportions.

Experts have labeled this type of explosive a "Skanky Bomb."

The drifting cloud from the skanky bomb would have killed more thousands, if not millions. The force from the blast would have leveled every building, tree, and mountain (if there were any mountains here) within a thirty mile radius.

Oh crap! This article is way too long.

Summing up...

Shumway is being investigated as possibly having a role in this dastardly scheme by creating a chili eating frenzy with his article, thus making the plan possible.

President Bush has vowed to force the NFL to play the game if not in Houston, then somewhere in Texas-maybe Lubbock. If anything goes awry out there, no biggie. Bush denies reports, especially to his wife, that all he wants to see is the lingerie halftime game.

And the Reliant stadium owners are confirming that they have been in talks with 'Presmidential' hopefuls Horatio T. Larno and his 'runnie-mate' Omarr Bag-da-da as possibly serving as the zeplin base for the U.S. wing of their impossibly world-wide zig-zagging campaign tour on the day that the big game would have been played.

The stadium really does look like a zeppelin hangar, and the Super Bowl really was canceled.

Or was it the Lingerie Bowl that was canceled?

-••-

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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