Written by Jalapenoman
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Topics: Russell Crowe

Friday, 9 February 2007

image for Australian Soccer Team owned by Russell Crowe Drops Cheerleaders Due to Skimpy Outfits
The South Sydney Rabbitohs cheerleaders are being dropped by their team.

The South Sydney Rabbitohs, a soccer team owned by Academy Award winning actor Russell Crowe, has dropped their cheerleaders due, in part, to their skimpy outfits. The soccer team has announced that they will be replaced by drummers and have asked percussionists to audition.

"We felt it was distracting and detracting from the game to watch those hot, twenty-one year old bodies in their fishnet stockings and lacey costumes bumping and grinding and bouncing on the sidelines. Those young, hot, women with their pom poms waving and their sweaty bodies bouncing and bouncing and cheering on the squad just didn't go with the game of soccer," said team public affairs supervisor James Wallaby.

"The men, both on and off the field, would watch the girls instead of the game. The women were jealous and upset at their husbands. The teenage boys came in droves to our games and would all crowd the areas where the cheerleaders performed. No one watched the soccer team, which caused them to get depressed and lose most of their games."

When the announcement was made, 87% of the team's season ticket holders announced that they would not renew the next year and had no intention of attending any more games this season. Binocular sales at area sporting goods stores also dropped.

When asked if it would solve the problem to put more clothing on the young ladies, Crowe responded only by saying "Why?"

When asked why not, he answered, "are you blind?"

Local fan Percy Snidegrass suggested that the team "only sign homosexual men as players. They would not be distracted while the other team was watching the cheerleaders, and they could score at will."

Interestingly enough, "Scoring at Will" was also the name of the cheerleaders limited edition swimsuit calendar, which is now in its 32nd printing.

Mr. Crowe, from the kindness of his heart, does not want the women to be out of jobs. He has hired them all to work at the pool of his California mansion. The ladies will be paid $25 per hour to sunbathe, drink seductively from straws, bounce on the the diving board (jumping in to the water is necessary only if they are wearing suits that become see-thru when wet), and giggle. Crowe feels that he has enough room at his place for all of the women until they can find apartments if they are all willing to double and triple up for a while. "I have a king sized bed that would comfortably sleep three in my room," said Crowe.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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