Indianapolis - Basking in the after-glow of a resounding Super Bowl victory, Head Coach, Tony Dungy disclosed the closely guarded secret to the Colt's playoff winning strategy: "We hired Dr. Phil as our Defensive Coordinator".
Dr. Phil McGraw, whose homespun, yet completely unintelligible, Oklahoma wisdom is lapped up by the masses, summed up the Colt's defensive woes in one word "Intimacy." Said Dr. Phi, "Many of these here fellars come from kinfolk that are more broked-up than a tin bell in a tornado. They ain't never done learn to love themselves, let alone to feel comfortable embracing another man. How is ya gonna wrestle a fella to the ground iffen ya can't hug him?"
The surprising hire came Christmas Eve, shortly after the Colts lost the fourth of their previous six games, which included giving up 375 rushing yards to Jacksonville in a 17-44-blowout loss. Dungy recalls the decision clearly. "We had just let Ron Dayne roll over us for 166 yards - Ron Dayne? Come on. That kid can't even run over the curb when he's chasing after the ice cream truck. I knew we had to do something drastic. I had coached fundamentals, drilled the intangibles and drafted some of the most physically gifted defensive players in the league. But I just couldn't get them to touch another man. Dr. Phil was the answer".
Dr. Phil immediately instituted two-a-day therapy sessions designed to heighten player's awareness of their internal emotional state. During one-such session, a visibly moved Dwight Freeney confronted his "feelings-partner" (Bob Sanders). "I love and respect you," Freeney sobbed hysterically as he proceeded to beat Sanders unconscious with a Styrofoam bataka bat.
Dr Phil addressed player's fears of abandonment by making each member of the Defensive Line, care for and nurse a fertilized chicken egg. "I mixed the first six-dozen eggs that Dr. Phil gave me into my protein shake," recalls outside linebacker, Cato June. "But once I got the hang of it and saw that beautiful baby chick hatch, I wept like a little girl."
"God I love wings." Cato added.
Finally, Dr. Phil led the entire defensive staff on a guided self-healing to mend their inner child, as the team physical therapist bandaged gaping wounds from an earlier attempt at a group hug.
Having successfully transformed the Colts defense into Super Bowl champions, Dr. Phil has moved on to his next assignment; reintegrating a suicidal Rex Grossman back into society. "I reckon I can really reach him with some of my pappy's advice", twanged an incoherent Phil. "After all, you can put a cat in the oven, but that don't make it pie!"